Creativity Coaching #2
September 19, 2010 §
This past week has been intense; it’s been the Jewish New Year, the Days of Awe, culminating in Yom Kippur. (Has it been more obvious in the non-Jewish world this year or am I simply noticing?) I’ve been dreaming Judaism – and found myself in Jerusalem several days ago. All I remember is that I was standing in the middle of the city with the awareness that three monotheistic religions live here and the thought, “This is where I need to be.” When I woke, I knew it was somehow connected to my creativity struggle and had a fleeting insight – which is now gone. Too late. My procrastination, my lack of attention, my laziness cost me.
So I am still here.
As I thought about your email and questions, one thing became clear to me – it really isn’t about the fuel. Or rather, the fuel isn’t the priority. My experience with finding the energy to write is that I can find it when I force myself. But what forces me to find it – and here is the clarification – is, in fact, the goal. So I find myself unwilling or uninterested in writing without knowing what for. I mentioned previously that I wanted to be published and wanted to be a writer and I have been. I do consider myself a writer now – I have developed skills and write easily for work and creatively when I need to and I’m happy about this. I’ve even found my voice. Not in poetry, but definitely in essays and short narrative pieces.
So the question is why? Just to say I am? This worked for awhile, but no longer. So redefining my goal is critical. And I’m not sure whether linking my goal to my interests is important, although I’m wondering about that. Since I no longer have a lot of emotional angst to occupy me, what replaces it? My interest in dogs, peace, religious community? Must these become the fodder? If so, for what reason?
I’m spinning. I need to find my why.